Winning an Oscar is undoubtedly a dream for many actors, but for Nicole Kidman, the reality of taking one home didn’t quite match up to her expectations. For the new book 50 Oscar Nights by Dave Karger, Kidman looked back on winning her Academy Award in 2003 and explained that she didn’t really enjoy the experience because of the state of her personal life. She was about a year-and-a-half out from her divorce from Tom Cruise, and she told Karger that she ended the biggest night of her career to that point feeling extremely lonely.
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“I was struggling with things in my personal life, yet my professional life was going so well. That’s what happens, right?” Kidman told Karger (via People) for his new book, which hits shelves Jan. 23. In 2003, she won the Academy Award for Best Actress for her role in The Hours. She had been nominated for an Oscar for the first time the previous year for Moulin Rouge! and has since been nominated three more times, for Rabbit Hole, Lion, and Being the Ricardos.
Kidman said in the book that she was peer pressured into going to the Vanity Fair Oscar Party, even though she wasn’t “a big party girl.” She explained, “I literally walked in, carried [the award] around, was completely overwhelmed, emotional, shaking, and I didn’t enjoy it. I was almost apologetic, which is so stupid. I wish I could have enjoyed it more.”
After leaving the event, she went back to her hotel where she ordered room service with her family. At this point, she also reflected on what she felt was missing from her life.
“I sat on the floor of the hotel eating french fries and a burger with my family and went to bed,” she said. “That’s when it hit me. I went, I need to find my love; I need a love in my life. Because this is supposed to be when you go, ‘This is ours.'” Kidman added, “I went to bed alone; I was in bed before midnight. If I ever won again, I’m telling you, I’d be out for 24 hours.”
Kidman and Cruise were married for 11 years and share two children: Bella Kidman Cruise, 31, and Connor Cruise, 28. Two years after winning her Oscar, the star found the love she was looking for when she met Keith Urban in 2005. The actor and country music singer got married the next year and now have two kids together: Sunday Kidman Urban, 15, and Faith Kidman Urban, 13.
In a 2017 interview on The Late Show, Kidman shared how winning two Emmys in 2017—for Outstanding Lead Actress in a Limited Series or Movie and Outstanding Limited Series (for her work as a producer) for Big Little Lies—differed from her Oscar win.
“I have to say, when I won my Oscar, I was not in a great place in my life. I didn’t have a partner to share it with. I was flailing emotionally and personally,” Kidman said. But, of winning her Emmys and celebrating with Urban, she said, “There’s something incredible about going home and going, ‘Baby! We did it!’ And that’s what we did.”
She added, “I was so glad to win the two Emmys, because I have the daughters. And to take home one and go, ‘You got to split this.’ It was amazing to take home two and go, ‘You get one each.'”
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