Nick Swardson
Comedy Central
“She’ll be like, ‘How was your day today?’ And I’ll be like, ‘Oh, my day, Grandma? My day was horrible. I had the worst day. I wake up. I go to the video store — this guy almost hits me, this cab almost hits me. I get there — the movie I want is gone. They don’t even have it. And the Yankees lost, it’s going to rain — it was like the worst day. How was your day?’ ‘Well, I woke up, again. And my heart hurts when I breathe. And another one of my friends died.’ It’s like, what do I say to that?”
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Brian Regan
Comedy Central
“I thought yoga was easy — I went out and I bought a yoga video tape. I bought the beginners’ yoga tape. I couldn’t do anything on the whole hour — nothing — just fast forwarding: can’t do that, can’t do that — I know I can’t do that. This woman in a soothing voice: ‘Simply take the bottom of your right foot and place it on the small of your back.’”