‘I Know I’ll See Him Again’

After having experimenting with Bufo — one of the most potent psychotropic drugs ever discovered — Cavallari took to her Let’s Be Honest podcast, where she recounted the emotional experience.

While participating in the Bufo ceremony, she not only learned that her divorce from ex, Jay Cutler, was officially finalized, spurring a host of happy tears from the former reality star, she was also forced to grapple with the grief she’s faced since her brother died of hypothermia in 2015 at the age of 30, after going missing in the Utah desert.

“My brother died eight years ago, and him dying really started my spiritual journey, and it really made me question everything in life — what are we doing here? What is the point? Where do we go when we die,” Cavallari explained. “And I got a ton of signs from my brother — it made me think that it’s not the end when we die. I know it’s not.”

She continued, “What bufo did, is it opened up my mind to the idea that there are other realms, there are other dimensions, there are other places that we go.”

Per Encyclopedia Britannica, bufotenine is an indole hallucinogen that is capable of blocking the action of serotonin, which is the indole amine transmitter of nerve impulses and can be found in normal brain tissue (and in toad poison).

While she didn’t detail all the signs she got that let her know her brother was trying to communicate with her, she said there was one in particular that really stuck out.

“The signs that I’ve gotten from my brother are gold coins. When my brother passed, my mom, my dad and I all saw this medium out in L.A. and she said that Mike, my brother, wanted gold coins at this ceremony that we had for him,” Cavallari shared. “Then we started getting gold coins in the craziest places. The craziest places.”

“One for me was, I bought a new makeup bag. Brand new, I had never used it,” she continued. “And I went to Charleston. And when I was in Charleston, I found a gold, European coin, and at the time, I was like, ‘I haven’t been to Europe in years, and years,’ and it was brand new, it had never been used.”

Cavallari added, “So stuff like that, you can’t tell me it’s not a sign — and between my mom, my dad and I, we just had a ton. Which I love. I just find so much peace in that. It just makes me feel like, A., he’s OK. I know that I’ll see him again, and that makes me really happy, and it just gives me a lot of peace.”

Exploring her spirituality following her brother’s death has made the mother-of-three more comfortable with death than ever, telling listeners, “I just really think that we will all see each other again when we die. And you know what, even if we don’t fine. If that’s the faith that I wanna have that makes me happy, then that’s what I’m gonna choose to believe.”

Delving more into grief and how she’s fared since her brother’s death, Cavallari said that while Mike’s been dead for eight years now, it was the three year mark that hit the hardest, it’s when she fully realized he’s not coming back.

“The three year anniversary was the hardest. And I remember my mom said it’s because at three years, it becomes real,” the Uncommon James founder recalled. “That’s when you’re like, ‘He’s not coming back. Mike’s not coming back.’ And that was really hard.”

She continued, “The thing too with grief, is it just takes time. I think you have to really allow yourself to feel every emotion. And it really is every emotion.”

With Mike’s death being an unexpected one for Cavallari and her family, she said she went through a gamut of emotions, noting that the one thing she wished she could’ve done was give him one last hug — and she did, just days after his death.

“I had this dream the first week that they found his body,” Cavallari recounted. “And the medium that was saw in L.A., she was in this dream and she opened up my arms and my brother was right there. In my dream, I was hugging my brother and I woke up balling crying.”

“But it was not a normal dream, I know in my soul I was hugging my brother. I know. I know that I was,” she added. “This was was a very different dream. Especially because that’s all I want to do. That’s all I want to do is give him one last hug, and I was able to.”

While it’s hard to really know what really happens after we die, Cavallari said through her spiritual journey, she feels she not only will see her brother again, but they will have “many lives” together after this one is over.

“Mike is good. We know Mike is good because we’ve gotten all these signs. He’s no longer hurting and in pain, so I’ll see him again. I know I’ll see him again and we’ll have many lives together,” Cavallari said. “And so this is just this time period right now without him.”