God declares Hawkeye slightly more valuable than a mailbox

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Hawkeye and the Progenitor Celestial (in the form of Black Widow) chat about his judgement as he pays for his diner burger. “How about this,” says the Celestial, “whether your life brings as much joy and meaning to the universe as that blue metal box, pointing at a USPS mailbox, in Avengers #60 (2022).

The heroes of Marvel Comics are currently having some trouble with being harshly judged by an unstoppable space-god. And this week saw another long-anticipated development in the blockbuster event series AXE: Judgment Day.

In May, Marvel Comics published its retailer solicitations for the month, including a brief description of Avengers #60, which stated: “Hawkeye must prove that he brings at least as much joy and usefulness to the world as a randomly chosen mailbox.”

In regard to which I had only one thing to say: “God, I hope that’s meant literally.” Now, we finally know the answer.

What else is happening in the pages of our favorite comics? We’ll tell you. Welcome to Monday Funnies, Polygon’s weekly list of the books that our comics editor enjoyed this past week. It’s part society pages of superhero lives, part reading recommendations, part “look at this cool art.” There may be some spoilers. There may not be enough context. But there will be great comics. (And if you missed the last edition, read this.)

Image: Mark Russell, Greg Land, Jay Leisten/Marvel Comics

Reader, it was literal. In the end, Clint gave up hope that he’d pass the Progenitor’s test, but the Celestial pardoned him anyway. Not because he had always done the right things, but because had demonstrated his capacity to grow. “Which,” the Progenitor said, “apparently, a mailbox cannot do.”

Princess Spinstress is introduced at a medieval ball, in her red and blue gown with its sparkling web skirt in Edge of Spider-Verse #4 (2022).

Image: David Hein, Luciano Vecchio/Marvel Comics

I’ve been skimming the pre-End of Spider-Verse anthology issues, Edge of Spider-Verse, pretty hard. I guess it’s just hard to invent a cool new Spider-Variant these days after so many official and fan-created ones have gone before. T. rex Spider-Man? Come on, DC just did that to the whole dang Justice League.

But this week had some Spider-Variants that finally made me sit up and have a sensible chuckle: Spinstress, the Disney Princess of Spiderpersons, complete with her talking spider companion and her love interest, the handsome bard Merry James Watson.

And Peter Parkedcar, the Spider-Man of a Cars-like universe. Did I just coin the phrase “Cars-like”? I hope so.

Aunt-T tells Peter Parkedcar that the Great Driver has returned. “He’s the reason we were born into this world with foot pedals and hand brakes.” Peter is skeptical. Also they are both anthropomorphic cars. From Edge of Spider-Verse #4 (2022).

Image: Dan Slott, Dono Sánchez-Almara/Marvel Comics

“F**k you!” a costumed character declares, standing in the open moonroof of a car as it screeches away, “You absolute — You can go — and — — — — —.” The middle two letters in the swear, as well as all — are obscured by imitation Comics Code Authority logos, in Nightwing #96 (2022).

Image: Tom Taylor, Bruno Redondo/DC Comics

Using an imitation Comics Code Authority seal as a censor bar. Will I ever get tired of this joke? No. The answer is no.

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