Using his Toastmaster General instructions as a guide, let’s reconstruct what Jessel might have sounded like ripping a celebrity pal a new one in 1955. (We’re randomly choosing William Frawley, I Love Lucy’s lovable curmudgeon Fred Mertz.) Take it away, George!
Public domain
Hello friends — we’re here tonight to honor our old friend, Bill Frawley. Did I say old? I wouldn’t exactly say he’s aging, but the only gleam in his eye is the reflection through his bifocals!
I’m kidding. Have another Old Fashioned, Billy, I’ll drive tonight. Yes, folks, Bill has decided to be a plain old drunk instead of an alcoholic. Now he doesn’t have to go to all those darn meetings.
Oh, he still believes in a higher power. In fact, he found someone to help him contact the spirit world — a bartender!
We were sorry to hear about your divorce, Bill, but we understand. Why, his ex’s dresses were cut so low I had to look under the table to see what she was wearing.
I asked Bill why he cheated on his wife. He said, “somebody’s got to do it.”
But it was never destined to work out. Edna used to complain about how cheap he was. According to her, Bill would have asked for separate checks at the Last Supper.
Yes, Bill is always on the lookout for some extra cash, but you have to question his methods. Once he called the post office, told them it was a stick-up, and asked the clerk to mail him ten thousand stamps.
Bill is a little overweight but maybe that’s why he’s so good-natured. He can’t fight and he can’t run. Why, the other day, a tramp approached him for a quarter, crying that he hadn’t eaten for three days. Bill shook his head and said “Boy I wish I had your will power.”
At least he doesn’t let his weight ruin his self-confidence. In fact, he’s so conceited that on his last birthday, he sent a letter of congratulations to his mother.