Man Gets Overwhelming Support For Telling Grieving Mom He Does Not Miss Dead Brother Who Died in Tragic Accident

The story, posted to an anonymous forum, detailed the 26-year-old’s issues with his now deceased older brother. This litany of complaints served as the basis for why he felt justified in not grieving the loss of his 28-year-old sibling — and telling his mother just how he felt.

Of course, his lack of mourning caused issues for his bereaved parents — leading to a conflict worthy of a post to Reddit‘s AITA (Am I The A–hole) forum.

Read on to see how the whole thing played out and the response from Redditors.

The man’s post began by first detailing his issues with his brother, starting at birth.

“The first video of my brother and I was when I was a newborn, he was 2 and demanding our parents toss me into the trash,” OP (a.k.a. the “original poster”) wrote. “His attitude never improved from there.”

“He was my biggest bully my whole school life, he threatened other kids to make them avoid me, he stole any money I made, he constantly mocked me for fun. And he was the favorite child at home because he was extroverted, loud and requiring attention, while I was withdrawn, anxious and discreet. I was all of those things BECAUSE my brother was constantly smothering me, not allowing me to have any presence that could threaten his status.”

He then went on to describe what his brother was like in adulthood.

“As an adult, he got arrested more times than I can count. He spent 6 months in prison and had an ankle monitor for 2 years. His things were petty thievery and recreational drugs, both consuming and selling,” OP wrote.

“I was never arrested. I graduated with a Master’s degree without debt thanks to a full-ride scholarship. I got a job. Saved up. Started my own company, which grew until I could hire 3 people, and my little company makes more money than I ever thought possible.”

“I still got 0% of my parents’ attention and love,” OP claimed. “It’s not even that I would want those things now that I am an adult, but it does bring back the burn of years of neglect. I was always the normal child, the one who’s doing what he is supposed to be doing so everyone was focusing entirely on bailing my dear brother out of jail because he was caught buying stuff with counterfeit bills or something of the sort.”

Then came the accident that claimed his brother’s life.

“And several months ago, he stole my mother’s car and went on a joyride. He was high. He crashed. I did what is expected of a brother and son: I attended the funeral, I gave lip service to a brother departed too soon, I comforted my parents for weeks afterwards, staying at their place just to be their shoulder to cry on, etc. And then things slowed down, I went back to living in my own home, and I continue life as usual – but my parents continue to expect me to be… distraught? Broken? It keeps being put on the table over and over, how I am not sad that he’s passed away, how I don’t miss him, how horrified mom is that I haven’t visited his grave, etc.”

“‘He’s your BROTHER!’ in a horrified tone is something I hear multiple times weekly nowadays. Mom in particular seems on a crusade to make me mourn, wearing all black and dramatically locking myself in [her] boudoir to Victorianically [sic] sob for my dear departed sibling.”

OP then detailed how he finally told his parents how he really felt.

“I told her with as much tact as I could but still told her that I never liked my brother as a person, that I do not miss him, I respect my parents’ grieving but it’s theirs, not mine,” he wrote. “She reacts very negatively to that, saying I absolute HAVE TO grieve him. She makes insinuations I do not like about what it means about my own moral fiber that I don’t feel bad at all for his passing. So, AITA?”

The overwhelming response to the post was supportive — with the majority of commenters not only taking OP’s side but empathizing with his situation.

“NTA [not the a–hole]. It looks like your mom would rather lose two sons than acknowledge the one she lost isn’t worth all the effort she’s still throwing at him,” read the highest rated comment.

To which OP replied: “I wonder if she would have forced my brother to mourn me if I had been the one to pass away first.”

Another Redditor shared, on a more personal note: “I’ve been on your situation, OP. Only it was my grandmother. Not getting into details here, but despite making it very clear for YEARS about how i felt, somehow my family still expected me to be miserable about her dead, and i actually went NC [no contact] for years with my uncle because of it. The same uncle that would sometimes tell me about how much of an AH she was towards him and my mother, that also told me about how abusive she was before she moved out. Apparently, some people not only forget all bad things people did when they die, but get angry when you don’t do the same..”

While yet another wrote: “My brother died young too. We were very different, but always kind to each other and I loved him very much. I started noticing shortly after he passed, my mother started exaggerating his accomplishments and talents. For example; we learned to ski together and he went about a dozen times. He could make it down the mountain in tact on a blue run. but she makes it sound like he was qualifying for the Olympic ski team. He was smart enough to get into Mensa, he could have been president…you get the drift.”

The Redditor went on to add: “You can’t compete with a ghost, and you didn’t have enough in common to be in the same sport. Your mom is grieving a version of your brother that didn’t exist, but grieve she must. So maybe just give her some grace for that. But definitely stay bitter about the favorite child bullshit!!”

While another commenter advised: “You were the glass child in your family. Still, you made a life for yourself which is commendable. Your mom is dealing with both the grief of the passing of her golden child as well as some guilt that she let him bully you. Nevertheless, she is not behaving fairly. She needs therapy but even that can work only if she wants to do better by you (sounds highly unlikely).”

“You have given enough support to your parents when they were mourning the death of your brother. Time for you to go LC [low contact] or even NC [no contact] with them if your mom continues guilt-tripping you. You are totally NTA for telling your mom what you did. There’s only so much a person can tolerate,” they further advised.

One more Redditor did some armchair psychology, writing: “So he was the Golden Child, while you were the Scapegoat, huh? Which makes me think one of both of your parents may have a personality disorder. Look up the DSM-5 descriptions of each of the Cluster B personality disorders, and see if your childhood is suddenly explained to you.”

(Among the list of Cluster B personality disorders are: borderline personality disorder, histrionic personality disorder, and narcissistic personality disorder.)

What do you think?