As the year comes to a close and another is soon to begin, one way we can all attempt to maintain the illusion that humanity has some measure of control over life, and is not subject to the cruel, random whims of a chaotic universe that is hopelessly devoid of any larger purpose of meaning, is with a wall calendar.
Yes, a calendar lets us map out the entire year in advance, sometimes with a Gary Larson cartoon to liven up our otherwise horrible day.
Well, it turns out that this coming year, 2024, is a “perfect match” for 1996 — by that, we mean that the dates on the calendars line-up exactly, and not that we’re expecting to see the return of bulky cell phones, Pauly Shore movies and politicians awkwardly doing “The Macarena” in public with nary a hint of shame.
This means that we can totally reuse any wall calendars that were created for the year 1996. For example, a number of folks online seem to be pretty into the idea of recycling a ‘96 calendar that featured former teen heartthrob/current 42-year-old man Jonathan Taylor Thomas in a variety of non-threatening, crush-friendly poses.
And really, who amongst us wouldn’t want to pencil in therapy appointments or nerve-wracking medical procedures beneath a glossy photo of J.T.T. hugging a confused kitten, or playing basketball, or murdering the artform of jazz forever?
Landmark Calendars
But hey, considering that one of Tim Allen’s other fake kids went on to allegedly hawk phony agriculture-based cryptocurrency, lending your image to a goofy wall calendar doesn’t seem quite so bad.
Why stop here, though? There are even more horrifically dated, aggressively ‘90s calendars that will technically function in 2024 — that is, if you’re willing to scour the recesses of eBay, or perhaps, your local thrift store.
It turns out that Jonathan Taylor Thomas wasn’t even the only Home Improvement actor to release a wall calendar in 1996. Pamela Anderson’s replacement Debbie Dunning struck a variety of scantily-clad poses for a 1996 “Tool Time Girl” calendar (which is still available to buy on her website). Sadly, an Al Borland-themed pin-up calendar featuring provocative snapshots of Richard Karn was seemingly never put into production.
@thedebbedunning
Or how about the 1996 Blockbuster Video calendar featuring films such as Mel Gibson’s Braveheart and Disney’s Pocahontas, two movies that have aged about as well as every carton of eggnog produced the same year. Spend the entirety of August worrying that computers will ruin your entire goddamn life with the poster for the Sandra Bullock thriller The Net ominously hovering above all 31 days. This is still preferable to the September entry, which features the poster for Fair Game, the action movie starring Billy Baldwin and Cindy Crawford, fondly remembered by precisely no one.
Why not start the new year with a calendar featuring the stars of Gladiators, the Australian American Gladiators spin-off that didn’t even survive the length of its own 1996 calendar (it was canceled in October). An ideal product for scheduling foam jousting matches and bicep oiling sessions.
eBay
There are calendars for ‘90s TV shows like Mighty Morphin Power Rangers, Baywatch and The X-Files. And musicians like Bon Jovi, Madonna and Kylie Minogue all starred in the pages of 1996 calendars — although, if we had to recommend just one of these to dust off for 2024, the clear choice is Reba McEntire’s 1996 Tour Calendar.
But there’s only one calendar in which you can find both Kermit the Frog pretending to be Mark Wahlberg and Miss Piggy posing in Victoria’s Secret lingerie: the 1996 Muppet “Advertising Parodies” calendar. It also gave us “Frogfeld,” the Seinfeld parody that first made us question whether or not Gonzo the Great and Fozzie Bear had ever participated in a masturbation contest.
Then again, you could always buy a new 2024 calendar. Or, you know, just use your phone.
You (yes, you) should follow JM on Twitter (if it still exists by the time you’re reading this).