Titty Hammock
“Hey ladies, are you interested in a smaller waist and a bigger chest? Well, damn, come over here. Check this out. I’ve got the exact same device that they strapped Braveheart to and think it could be the key to all of your beauty goals.”
The revolving hammock was supposed to somehow stretch you out into the perfect figure, but what it really was was a torture device that would be left on the cutting room floor for a Saw movie. They were really just throwing anything at the wall at this point, and you almost have to respect that. “Want bigger boobs? I don’t know, did you try hiring a dude that will just hide in your house somewhere new every time you get home from work to scare the crap out of you and maybe make your back jolt backward so hard that over time, your boobs stick out more? Because I’m looking through my list here, and I’ve got Tit Scarer wedged between Hanging From Crane By Dick For Bigger Dick and Cheese Grater, But for Your Abs and think we could have something here.”
Related: Get Outside With These Great Deals
Bile Beans
Bile Beans are proof positive that we really don’t give a damn about what something is named or even what it’s purported to do, but if they tell us it’ll help us lose weight the easy way, we’ll take it. Pukeeverywhere Wafers? Sold. Buttmelt Eyedrops? Where do I sign up?
Bile Beans were supposed to be an easy weight loss option where you’d just pop a few of these bad boys before bed and wake up slimmer, trimmer, and on your way to being the model of perfect fitness, health, and beauty. And these absolute scam beans were around for a long damn time, perfectly illustrating just how lucrative this kind of bs can be. All we need is for something to prey on our basest instincts, to give us hope that we don’t have to exert any energy whatsoever to reach our goals, and we’ll set up recurring payments like a forgotten Netflix subscription on Youonlyjizzbakedbeansnow Tablets. Which are supposed to be once-daily dissolving tablets that help us easily lose weight as we go about our day, but actually make us gain weight and also make us only shoot loads of baked beans through our holes and get us nowhere closer to our fitness goals.
Sign us up, send over the tablets, and let us pretend like it’s all working exactly as planned.
Thumbnail: Wonder Sauna Hot Pants, Molby Revolving Hammock Co.