Daniel Tosh
Comedy Central
“I saw a guy wearing a “What Would Jesus Do?” bracelet and a Lance Armstrong bracelet, and he went up to this blind kid and rubbed his eyes, and the kid could see. But he wasn’t used to the light, ’cause it was bright, and he walked into traffic and was killed instantly. Okay, the people that are laughing right now? I’m gonna call you guys half-full. Because you’re focusing on the important part of the story: the bracelets are working.”
Related: MTV Apparently Only Airs ‘Ridiculousness’ Now
Dave Attell
Netflix
“Remember when you were young and you think your dad is Superman? And then you grow up and realized he’s just a drunk who wears a cape.”
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Top Image: Netflix