Everything’s coming up Milhouse — including the doors on his ride.
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Ever since his introduction in a Butterfingers commercial during The Simpsons‘ days on The Tracey Ullman Show, Milhouse Van Houten has been the butt of every joke that’s been gracious enough to include him. With a moniker borrowed from Richard Nixon’s middle name, a broken home and a tender heart that doesn’t inspire romance nearly as much as it attracts aggression, Milhouse might just be the most unfortunate fourth grader at Springfield Elementary, and his classmates never miss a chance to remind him of that fact.
However, one pointy-haired, vegetarian Venus has occasionally tossed Milhouse the small crumbs of compassion that inspire an ever-lasting crush in a lonely heart — Milhouse has loved little Lisa dearly for 35 seasons, and, if his predictions are correct, today may be the day that he finally buys her love in return.
As fans in the Simpsons subreddit celebrated earlier today, the 2012 Simpsons comic book Wedgie Issue features a panel wherein Milhouse, freshly inspired by a business plan that he believes will make bank, trots by his long-time unrequited love Lisa Simpson and declares that, in 12 years’ time, she will finally indulge him on a date that will start with a ride in his sports car and end with a lifelong romance — so long as she looks like a million bucks.
Bongo Comics
Basketball legend Michael Jordan once said, “If you push me toward something that you think is a weakness, then I will turn that perceived weakness into strength.” Well, in The Simpsons universe, which also happened to peak in the 1990s, Milhouse is basically the Michael Jordan of getting bullied, and in one pivotal comic book, he turned his weakness for getting wedgies into a strength that may very well land him the love of his life this very day.
In Wedgie Issue, Nelson gives Milhouse his umpteenth wedgie of the week and hangs the easy target from a tree, where Milhouse’s so-called “best friend” Bart Simpson soon finds him. Milhouse has to barter with Bart to secure his release, trading Bart a “free wedgie card” which, when used, allows Bart to use Milhouse as a stand-in the next time a bully wants to pull the Simpson son’s underwear over his head. When Milhouse sees Lisa and Alex Whitney selling lemonade in front of the Simpsons home, he comes up with the business idea of selling wedgie cards across the country and enlisting an army of wimps wearing “wedgie shield” sturdy underwear inserts that will help them survive attacks with minimal ass or crotch injuries. With the million-dollar idea hatched, Milhouse makes the prediction that will supposedly come true this evening at 8 p.m.
At this point, Wedgie Issue flashes forward to the future — Milhouse is a famous entrepreneur and the Wedgie Card has found 33,000,000 buyers, but Lisa is wholly unaware of his unattractive business venture. Milhouse lies to Lisa and tells her that his company is a surgical service for heart patients, and she agrees to go on a date with him, only to learn the truth about Milhouse’s Lambo money when duty calls and their date is interrupted by a Wedgie Card customer cashing in on their investment. Just then, Milhouse is jerked awake, and we learn that both Milhouse’s prosperous future and his date with Lisa were all a dream.
So, when Milhouse inevitably fails to woo Lisa with a luxury car tonight at 8 p.m., we’ll know for sure that, just like his underwear after a run-in with Nelson, he pulled that prediction out of his ass.