Last night, Animal Control returned to Fox for its second season. In a break from the animal-controlling action — hoping the drunk raccoons collected from the bowling alley get the most favorable possible outcome, but given Victoria’s (Grace Palmer) threat to “control” one of them with a bowling ball, it’s hard to believe they meet a good end off-screen — we follow Frank (Joel McHale) and Shred (Michael Rowland) to a diner. The lovelorn Shred is getting excited about ordering his cheer-up waffles when Frank notices whom they’re going to be ordering from: Yazmin, a woman who ditched him in the middle of their date at a Seahawks game.
Yazmin is, pretty clearly, at fault in this situation, but I’m going to cut her some slack anyway: She’s played by Sarah Chalke, a woman who has, arguably, had worse luck with romance than almost any woman in sitcom history. But where does Frank place among the men Chalke’s been paired with on-screen?
Here’s my definitive ranking — and just to prove she hasn’t always been saddled with bad matches, a special mention for the one guy you might even consider setting up with one of your less picky friends…
Frank Shaw (Joel McHale) of Animal Control
Who He Is: An officer employed by the City of Seattle in, well, if you take a wild guess at the department where he works, you’ll probably be right.
What Makes Him Objectionable: He’s glib, vain and smug — you know, like every other Joel McHale character you’ve ever seen, including when he’s just being “himself” hosting a cooking show.
Why He’s LESS Objectionable Than the Next Guy on This List: For strangers, We’re told Frank has trouble dating because he keeps people at a distance, but that’s not what we see with Yazmin: He forgives her immediately after she explains that she ghosted him because she was worried they were getting too close, and is ready to pick back up where they left off with a weekend in Napa when she ghosts him mid-date AGAIN, climbing out his bedroom window — maybe surviving, maybe not; Frank’s not sure because he doesn’t see her again. So while he has his bad qualities, her behavior is definitely worse.
Plus: The first season provides plenty of evidence that Frank CAN be a good partner… to Shred.
Everett Backstrom (Rainn Wilson) of Backstrom
Who He Is: A Detective Lieutenant in Portland, Oregon’s Special Crimes Unit; he’s also ex-fiancé to Amy Gazanian (Chalke).
What Makes Him Objectionable: He’s casually racist, he’s physically unhygienic, he’s a problem drinker and he’s a cop; since Amy has worked as a journalist and a social worker, that makes them natural enemies.
Why He’s LESS Objectionable Than the Next Guy on This List: At least we’re not supposed to think his personality deficits are adorable quirks.
John “J.D.” Dorian (Zach Braff) of Scrubs
Who He Is: A doctor of internal medicine; he’s also the on-again, off-again boyfriend of Elliot Reid (Chalke) until they eventually get married and have a child together.
What Makes Him Objectionable: His habit of stopping a conversation dead to look off in the distance while his mind cuts away to another scene in either his memory or imagination would be plenty. But he’s also indecisive, childish and twee.
Why He’s LESS Objectionable Than the Next Guy on This List: He does have the capability of improving a patient’s health, even if he’s probably going to be kind of annoying in the process.
Jerry Smith (voice of Chris Parnell) of Rick and Morty
Who He Is: With several failed careers behind him, he’s now a stay-at-home father and amateur beekeeper formerly married to Beth (Chalke).
What Makes Him Objectionable: He’s dumb, he’s a loser and he’s basically given up on life — and from what we’ve seen, he’s right to have done so.
Why He’s LESS Objectionable Than the Next Guy on This List: Because the next guy on this list is Ted.
Ted Mosby (Josh Radnor) of How I Met Your Mother
Who He Is: An architect/sometime architecture professor in New York, who is engaged for a time to Stella Zinman (Chalke).
What Makes Him Objectionable: Honestly, I could say that Ted meets Stella, a dermatologist, when he enlists her to remove his tramp stamp, and that would be enough. But Ted is an obnoxious, grammar-correcting cheat. Stella is the one to end their relationship, leaving Ted hours before their wedding was to have taken place, but it’s hard to blame her: If she hadn’t, this could have happened to her!!!
Why He’s the MOST Objectionable Guy on This List: Not only can a strong argument be made that Ted is How I Met Your Mother’s true villain — that argument has been made!
And Chalke’s Best On-screen Love Interest: Bobby Cobb (Brian Van Holt) of Cougar Town
Who He Is: Former pro golfer, now golf instructor; sometime boyfriend to Angie (Chalke), photography instructor to Bobby’s son Travis (Dan Byrd).
What Makes Him Mostly Unobjectionable: Bobby is not a GREAT guy. For starters, he constantly cheated on Jules (Courteney Cox) during his pro days, which is why they’re not married anymore. He also lives on a boat in the middle of a parking lot — and not a particularly nice boat or parking lot. But it’s almost impossible to stay mad at this cheerful golden retriever of a man; even if you tried, he’d be too dim to notice. Also he’s hot.
