If the person you’re dating frequently surprises you with unnecessary, lavish gifts and goes out of their way to bring the conversation back to themselves, they could be a narcissist. The American Psychiatric Association (APA) defines narcissistic personality disorder as “a pervasive pattern of grandiosity (sense of superiority in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and lack of empathy.” Warning signs can vary by relationship, but in romantic partnerships, there’s one subtle indicator everyone should look for, according to psychology professor Amy Brunell, PhD.
“If you’re in a new relationship and you’re getting the vibe that this person is narcissistic, the best thing you can do is get out,” Brunell said in a press release. However, she added, “It is hard to do when they flatter you and pay so much attention to you.”
In a new paper published in Cambridge University Press, Brunell draws on her 20+ years of experience in the psychology field to outline the key identifiers for narcissistic personality disorder, including one sign that often flies under the radar.
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A charming personality could indicate that your date is a narcissist.
Getting swept off your feet may sound like a fairytale in theory, but it could be a subtle sign that your date is a narcissist, warns Brunell.
Agentic grandiose narcissism, which is “characterized by grandiosity, high self-esteem, extraversion, arrogance, and dominance,” is one of the most recognizable types of narcissism in relationships, she explains in the study. And it often manifests through a charming, extroverted personality—you know, when someone is almost too likable.
“People are surprised when I say this, but when I meet someone who is very charming and outgoing, I am on alert,” she said in a press release. “There are people who are charming and likable who are not narcissists, for sure. But from my experience studying narcissists, I think it is wise to be aware and protect yourself.”
Someone who is outwardly charming may use a tactic called love bombing to draw their dates in.
Receiving flowers on the first date is one thing, but if this person shows up with expensive jewelry or drops the L-word by the third or fourth date, that fits the definition of love bombing.
Love bombing is “a form of psychological and emotional abuse that involves a person going above and beyond for you in an effort to manipulate you into a relationship with them,” explains Cleveland Clinic.
It isn’t always intentional, but a pattern of love-bombing behaviors (like excessive flattery, endless gifts, and intense talks about your future together) could indicate that you’re dating a narcissist. “It’s great until it isn’t, and often then it seems too far into a relationship to break it off. That’s why it is best to look for these signs early,” said Brunell.
RELATED: 10 Red Flags Your Partner Is Micro-Cheating, According to Relationship Experts.
4 other narcissistic characteristics to look out for.
A narcissistic personality disorder is characterized by four primary traits that stem from selfishness and a lack of empathy for others. While a charming personality is one of the more dangerous and subtle cues Brunell has witnessed in her 20+ years of extensive research, there are others you should be wary of. These include:
- Grandiose sense of self-importance or uniqueness (such as exaggeration of achievements and talents or focus on the special nature of one’s problem).
- Preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love.
- Exhibitionism: The person requires constant attention and admiration.
- Cool indifference or marked feelings of rage, inferiority, shame, humiliation, or emptiness in response to criticism, indifference to others, or defeat.
If you believe you’re dating a narcissist, consider speaking with a mental health expert who can help you discuss your concerns with your partner and/or devise a plan to safely exit the relationship.