When you think about how to write a love letter, you may think of an epic, sweeping declaration of one’s deepest desires. And although love letters certainly can be this, they don’t have to be.
For me, writing love letters to my loved ones is a way to express how much they mean to me. In the same way someone might use a Post-It note on a crush, I decorate beautiful stationery with stickers and doodles. I write on them with colored pens, and If I have it on hand, I’ll even sneak in some confetti, a pressed flower, or some token like a bookmark to add to the whimsy.
“Love letters are probably one of the best gifts you can give somebody that means a lot to you,” relationship expert Carla Marie Manly, PhD, says. “It’s really intimate and something people can return to again and again,” she says.
Think about how many iconic, written declarations of love have captivated us over the years and shaped our ideas about what it means to care for someone else. Shakespearean sonnets come to mind for me, but lovers across time like Napoleon and his wife Josephine, Frida Kahlo and Diego Rivera, and even Johnny Cash and June Carter have chosen letters as their medium of choice to express themselves and immortalize their love. What’s more lovely than being part of that shared tradition this Valentine’s Day?
Experts Featured in This Article
Carla Marie Manly, PhD, is a psychologist, relationship expert, and host of the “Imperfect Love” podcast. She is also the author of “The Joy of Imperfect Love: The Art of Creating Healthy, Securely Attached Relationships.”
Rachel Syme is a staff writer at The New Yorker and the author of “Syme’s Letter Writer: A Guide to Modern Correspondence About (Almost) Every Imaginable Subject of Daily Life, with Odes to Desktop Ephemera and Selected Letters of Famous Writers.”
What Is a Love Letter?
According to Dr. Manly, a love letter is any document expressing love, admiration, and affection from one person to another. Keep in mind that a love letter can be completely platonic, which doesn’t make it any less meaningful. I’ve written love letters to my friends, my siblings, and my mom — all that matters is that you expressed your feelings in writing.
In the past, love letters may have been reserved for long-distance lovers at war or for people who lack internet. But today, there’s something magical and touching about writing a love letter to your closest connections. It’s a way of creating and receiving tokens of love and affection you can tangibly hold between your fingers. If you’re eager to have more hobbies that don’t involve screens, writing a love letter is a great idea.
Why You Should Write a Love Letter This Valentine’s Day
Writing love letters is one habit with serious benefits for both the writer and recipient. Taking the time to reflect on a relationship can be clarifying and helpful, and heartfelt gestures build intimacy. It also puts the focus on the positive aspects of a relationship and provides an opportunity for deep connection. What’s more, love letters can be a great way for shy people or those who are intimidated by speaking their feelings to express themselves.
Writing love letters also requires vulnerability. Plus, the act of taking time to do something that requires effort when you can communicate in a snap is extra meaningful. “The practice of writing love letters orients partners toward seeing and expressing what they love about each other and their relationship,” Dr. Manly explains. “Acts of loving kindness nourish the writer, the receiver, and the relationship itself.”
It’s a way of creating and receiving tokens of love and affection you can tangibly hold between your fingers.
Writing love letters is also helpful to prevent relationships from weakening over time. Many relationships are front-loaded, meaning the bulk of expressing appreciation happens toward the beginning of the relationship. “A practice of writing love letters allows the emotional connection to grow rather than dissipate as the relationship ages,” Dr. Manly adds.
Sure, you can send a heartfelt text or tell someone why you care about them in person, but these are ephemeral — texts can be deleted and conversations can be forgotten. The permanence of love letters means you can keep them and reread them forever. (There’s a reason why we obsess over historical love letters.)
How to Write a Love Letter
Once you’ve come around to the idea of writing a love letter, it’s time to actually get down to business and put pen to paper (or to type and print, if you don’t like your penmanship). Don’t worry too much about writing the best prose or being funny and witty — what’s important is that the love letter feels authentic to you and the recipient. “It should feel like it really reflects the two people involved,” Rachel Syme, author of “Syme’s Letter Writer: A Guide to Modern Correspondence About (Almost) Every Imaginable Subject of Daily Life, with Odes to Desktop Ephemera and Selected Letters of Famous Writers,” says. To get a feel for your writing voice, try speaking what you’d like to say, then writing it down.
Don’t feel like you have to write a long list of compliments or flowery sentences. You certainly can, but a love letter can be whatever you choose, like a short poem, a list of shared memories or inside jokes, and even a playlist. To really make your letter special, Syme suggests using a beautiful card or piece of stationary. Add some stickers and fun stamps, if that’s your style.
How to Start a Love Letter
Curious about how to start a love letter? Syme recommends taking some notes about why this person matters to you. Think of reasons their love (whether platonic or romantic) has changed your life, memories you cherish, or qualities of theirs you love. Read over the notes and pinpoint any themes and patterns.
Dr. Manly advises drafting a few sentences outlining what you love about the recipient. Start with what you love about this person and how they make you feel. For example, maybe the way they smile at you makes you feel loved or the way they laugh instantly lifts your mood. Before long, you’ll have the bones of your letter.
If you need some inspiration, Syme also recommends looking at famous love letters for study material. “We can get a little squeamish about putting things into writing, but there was a time when people had no choice, so it’s great to see when people were less encumbered by all the ways we communicate,” she says.
How to End a Love Letter
When you feel ready, add a final sign off. Sometimes a simple sign off that reinforces your feelings can be the best way to end a love letter. “A few simple words that confirm your overall message can feel affirming to both the writer and the receiver,” Dr. Manly says. “A phrase or two that offers a glimpse into the future can add an uplifting, closing tone.”
Don’t worry about length or cramming all your thoughts into one missive. After all, sending a love letter is a great way to increase your chances of receiving one in return — and you’ll need to save something for your reply, right?
Helen Carefoot is a freelance lifestyle, culture, and entertainment journalist based in Washington DC. Previously, she was Well+Good’s Lifestyle Writer and worked at The Washington Post on the lifestyle desk in the features section.