You’ve probably heard of the five stages of grief, which was first developed by psychiatrist Elizabeth Kubler-Ross in her book “On Death and Dying.” But if you’re unfamiliar, the five stages include denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance — sometimes referred to collectively as “DABDA.” In Ross’s research working with terminally ill patients, she found that both the patients and caretakers moved through these five sequential stages of grief to process death.
Since the discovery though, the five stages have been widely applied and used to process not just death, but all different types of grief — including breakups. However, experts say Ross’s model is increasingly seen as outdated, especially in how it pertains to breakups.
This could be because, as we know by now, people process grief differently, and recovery from grief does not always follow five neat, linear steps. Some people may experience anger and depression, for example, but they may not experience the other steps — and that doesn’t mean they are grieving in the “wrong” way or are refusing to process their loss.
Licensed marriage and family therapist Cadmona A. Hall, PhD, owner of Hall Consultation & Therapy Services, says she’s asked about the stages of grief all the time as it relates to breakups, but that Ross’s work is chronically misunderstood and applied to breakups too broadly. She confirms that despite how helpful the five stages of grief may be to some people or in some cases, there is no one way to process a breakup.
“When we’re hurting, we seek out ways to move past the pain as quickly as possible, so people wish there were stages and an organized linear process for grief,” says Hall. But that’s just not how processing a breakup works.
Sure, you may experience complex feelings — all of which may be the emotions described in the five stages of grief — but there’s no definitive plan or process in which you’ll experience these emotions. “It’s also normal to vacillate through these feelings and come back to them while you’re grieving. There’s no set time for how long grief lasts and it can’t be rushed. The best thing to do is move gently and easily with yourself, allow the feelings, process the thoughts, and engage in self-care,” says Hall.
Instead of looking to the five stages of grief to move past your breakup, it may be beneficial to focus on your grieving process more holistically. Below, Hall explains exactly why breakups can be so devastating, the emotions you may experience, and how you can find support during a difficult period.
Why Is a Breakup so Difficult to Get Over?
Breakups can make anyone feel like their world is falling down around them, and it’s because a breakup is essentially the same as suffering a real loss. Hall says difficult feelings arise because we invest our time, energy, hopes, and dreams into a future with someone else, only for the disappointment that it didn’t work out to catch up with us.
“There’s a lot of pressure in our culture to ‘find your person’ and live happily ever after,” says Hall. “A breakup can trigger feelings of failure, fear about being alone, and anxiety about dating again.”
The longer the relationship or the deeper the emotional investment, the harder it can be to bounce back.
Emotions You May Experience After a Breakup
Yes, it’s very possible you will experience the five stages of grief at some point in processing your breakup. But if you try to release yourself from the five-step model, you may actually be able to work through your feelings outside of a structured timeline. In fact, Hall recommends thinking about grief as a “spiral staircase,” rather than stages.
On the spiral staircase, “We move up and down as we try to get to our destination. Imagine the breakup as a picture on the wall,” says Hall. “Depending on where you are on the staircase, you see it from a different perspective. It will always be there, but we move forward and experience life differently with each step. It’s OK to move up and down through the grief journey.”
Grief is a big word, but it really describes the thoughts and feelings people experience after a loss. “Many people think grief only happens when we lose someone due to death but we experience grief over all types of losses,” says Hall. Breakups can be complex because we grieve hopes and dreams about the future we imagined together. Friends and family members may also be invested in the relationship and people might have worried about disappointing loved ones.”
How to Heal After a Breakup
Healing after a breakup is intense and requires a lot of emotional work. But remember, there’s no rush and everyone works through their own feelings at their own pace. Hall recommends giving yourself time and care, but she also suggests maintaining your perspective on the relationship. “Remember feelings aren’t facts,” she says. “Our emotions can create fiction and then justify it with ‘evidence’ that’s not true . . . Time gives us the chance to process and make sense of our experiences. It’s not time itself that heals, it’s what we do with it that matters.”
It’s this relationship between facts, feeling, and perspective over time that helps people recover and make decisions that are healthy and helpful for their lives.
But until you get there, Hall recommends reinvesting in relationships with friends and family, rather than jumping right into a new romantic relationship — or your old one. There are other strategies you can consider when getting over a breakup, like following a no-contact rule with your ex, starting a new journaling practice, diving into a new hobby to distract yourself, limiting your social media use, or even finding a new look.
“This can be a vulnerable time no matter who initiated the split,” says Hall. “Many people are tempted to reach out to previous partners and fantasize about the one who got away. While this is normal you don’t want to make reactive decisions based on emotional overload. Give yourself time to grieve and heal before initiating a new relationship.”
If you or someone you know is struggling through grief or a breakup, it may be beneficial for you to seek advice from a trained mental health professional who can help. You can start with POPSUGAR’s guide to finding a therapist here. For additional mental health resources, you can call the National Alliance on Mental Illness (1-800-950-6264) or text “NAMI” to 741741 or email [email protected].
Image Source: Getty / Ekaterina Goncharova