You know how sometimes you’ll see something on the internet and think “oh, that’s pretty cool” and expect to move on with your life in the coming days only to discover that it has burrowed a hole inside your brain and taken up residence and has no plans to leave anytime soon? This could be just a thing that happens to me. I suspect it’s not, though. The human brain is really weird. Like, I have no clue what I had for lunch four days ago but I still know all the words to the song “Stop Being Greedy” by DMX and will almost certainly take them with me to the grave. It’s probably fine.
Anyway, about two weeks ago I saw this post by Vin Diesel on Instagram…
… and here I am, today, still utterly fascinated by it. I don’t think I’ve gone an entire day since without thinking about it at least a little. I doubt I’ve gone more than five or six hours, to be honest, at least the ones that I’ve been awake. It’s just… it’s fascinating to me. All of it, too: the picture, the caption, what both of them say and imply. I somehow want to know every single thing about it and nothing else about it at all, just so my imagination can run wild. I definitely have questions, though. So many questions. Hundreds, definitely. Thousands, probably.
But let’s narrow this list down, just for efficiency. Here are 50 of the questions I have about this picture of Vin Diesel and Michael Caine.
What do you think Vin Diesel and Michael Caine talk about at dinner?
Do you think they talk about the Fast & Furious movies?
Do you think Michael Caine has seen all of the Fast & Furious movies?
Which Fast & Furious movie do you think is Michael Caine’s favorite?
Probably Fast Five, right?
Why hasn’t Michael Caine been in a Fast & Furious movie?
Do you think he’s jealous that Helen Mirren has been in a few and has even gotten to drive a little?
What if Fast X opens with a super-wide shot from a helicopter of someone speeding across the Mediterranean on a jet ski and it slowly zooms in as the opening credits roll out on the screen and when we finally get close enough to see who it is, blammo, it’s Michael Caine?
What if he has a mustache?
What if he’s playing the King of England?
Do you think when Michael Caine saw the thing where Ludacris and Tyrese went to space in a NoS-powered Pontiac in F9 he said “Oh, splendid!” in that voice of his?
What would you do if you bought a ticket to Fast X when it came out and the opening shot was the jet ski thing we talked about and then you heard a very familiar British voice say “Wonderful” and then you turned around Michael Caine was just sitting behind you in the theater with a Sprite and some peanut M&Ms?
Does this mean Michael Caine is on Vin Diesel’s side in the feud with The Rock?
Does Michael Caine hate The Rock?
How much would you pay to hear Michael Caine’s unfiltered opinion on the Diesel-Rock feud?
Do you think he tried to mediate it?
What would you do if you went to an upscale steakhouse for your birthday dinner and two tables over you saw Michael Caine sitting between The Rock and Vin Diesel and he was saying, like, “Now, boys, let’s get to the bottom of this”?
Would you stop talking about it for a single second for the rest of your life?
Do you think Vin Diesel has seen The Muppet Christmas Carol?
If so, how many times?
Do you think he asks Michael Caine a million questions about working with the Muppets?
What if the Muppets are in Fast X?
What if Gonzo and Rizzo narrate the whole thing?
What if there’s that whole opening scene with Michael Caine on the jet ski and then, just when you’re starting to get your bearings as a viewer, blammo again, we smash cut to Gonzo and Rizzo on the beach in comfortable chairs with little daiquiris in their cupholders and Gonzo starts explaining the history of the Fast & Furious franchise?
If you close your eyes, can you picture Tyrese, in character as Roman, saying, “What the hell?! We got Muppets in here now?!”
What if there is no other Muppet in the whole movie and then they cut to Ludacris doing science and/or computer things and Beaker is just there assisting him and no one says anything about it?
Has anything in history ever been less surprising than me looping the Muppets into this somehow?
Who took this picture?
Was it the waiter?
Can you imagine being a waiter and Vin Diesel and Michael Caine sit down in your section?
Would you be cool about it or would you freak out a little?
Like, would you try to act like they’re just any two dudes or would you acknowledge that it’s kind of weird, both to be serving famous people and the thing where these two specific famous people are sitting together?
Who paid for the dinner?
Did they ask for separate checks?
Which one is the better tipper?
What if Vin Diesel offered to pay and then just dropped like a $20 tip on a $260 dinner and Michael Caine pretended he forgot something as they were walking out and went back to the table and dropped another $100 on it?
That seems like something Michael Caine would do, right?
Do you think waiters at fancy restaurants like this gossip a lot about which celebrities tip well and which are cheapskates?
If you were a celebrity, would you leave extra big tips just to avoid ending up on some Reddit post titled Worst Celebrity Tippers?
It’s got to be weird to be famous, right?
Do you think you would enjoy being a celebrity?
Do you think Michael Caine did the thumbs up in that picture because he knows it’s kind of Vin’s thing and he thought they would both be doing it and then he saw this post on Instagram and was kind of bummed out?
What do you think each of them ordered?
Probably pasta or red meat given the glasses of red wine, right?
Which one of them would you rather hear say the phrase “I will have the lasagna”?
You’re imagining it now, aren’t you?
Do you think Michael Caine really calls Vin Diesel his son like Vin claims in the caption of that post?
Is there a better collection of words in the history of social media than “Liked by Ludacris and 946,840 others”?
Do you think Ludacris is bummed out he didn’t get invited?
WHY DIDN’T THEY INVITE LUDACRIS???