I completely understand when someone says they don’t enjoy horror movies. I do, but I’m also fully aware that for plenty of people, seeing a monster cleave somebody in twain doesn’t lead to a dopamine release. If someone’s not a fan, that’s their wave, and I’m not going to act like it’s unusual. What am I going to do, call them a ‘fraidy-cat? I’m 34. I don’t have enough cartilage left in my joints to use phrases like that.
Unlike other genres, the only reasoning you really ever need to give for not liking scary movies is, well, that they scare you and you don’t like it. Which is why it’s such a strange, unforced error for the actor Candace Cameron Bure to feel the need to bring borderline psychosis into the discussion of why they’re not screening in her home. If you’re unfamiliar with Candace Cameron Bure, she’s a member of the ironically eerie ‘90s-sitcom-to-Christmas-special pipeline. She was D.J. Tanner on Full House, and is now a mainstay on the Hallmark Channel.
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She’s also apparently a devout Christian. The kind, I assume, that have crucifixes scattered through the rooms of their house like holy Alexas. She maintains a pious home that, according to her, is at risk of demonic invasion via jump-scare. She said as much on her podcast, the guests on which were a pastor and her own son, which, yeesh. If you were ever looking for a podcast with the energy of a confirmation party at your weird neighbor’s house minus the snacks, run, don’t walk to The Candace Cameron Bure Podcast.
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She explained that she doesn’t even want scary movies on the TVs in her house because, “to me that’s just a portal.” She continued, “Listen, I’m in the film industry. I understand how it all works. However, there’s still something that can be incredibly demonic while they’ve made it, and I feel like it’s a portal that gets opened up and let in.”
Now, I’ll give her the grace of not being purposefully obtuse enough to take this at literal face value. She’s not saying she really thinks an oblivion gate is going to crop up and ruin the carpeting in her living room. This seems more along the lines of an intersect of Christianity and woo-woo celebrity Energy-Based Religions, where allowing Jason Voorhees on your TV also allows negative energy into your living sphere.
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To some extent, it’s her right. The part that I think is worthy of a little derision is that her ban is truly geographic and not personal, meaning that her three adult children are also not allowed to watch anything scary while in the family home. Come on, lady. Have the perfectly reasonable if not adorable mom moment of walking by the couch when Leatherface is gathering skin-suit materials and going, “What the heck are you watching?,” before covering your eyes and retreating. When you start yelling about bringing devilry into this home, and child-locking every channel that’s not a broadcast from a mega-church, that’s when you know you’ve just landed a role in your offspring’s therapy sessions.
Not to go all macro here, but this is exactly what pisses people off about religion. You’re more than welcome to have your god, find whatever solace you need in that and pop a creepy baby doll into a divine lawn diorama every Christmas. Just don’t foist it on the rest of us.
If you’re that worried that the silver tongue of the Prince of Lies is snaking into your family unit via the streaming service Shudder? Pop a couple of extra protective yard-sale relics on top of the TV stand, and consider your defenses fortified. After all, if Jesus isn’t capable of fighting the forces of a cable re-run of Freddy vs. Jason, that bodes pretty poorly for his chances in the final war.
Content shared from www.cracked.com.