You’d think that convincing people to eat food, something that’s fully necessary for continued existence, would be a pretty easy task. All you really have to do is make your particular product look delicious, and boom, people are purchasing it. If I see pecan pie, I want pecan pie. It’s that simple. But, of course, in the modern world, things always have to be one-upped, and one way snack companies do so is by partnering with beloved media properties to give their cookies or cream a leg up — sometimes, at the cost of the food actually looking appetizing.
Here are eight of the grossest bits of licensed food ever cooked up.
Star Wars Blue Milk
Dean Foods/Lucasfilm
The most recent release is TruMoo’s announcement that they will be releasing a blue milk, which is both a description and the literal label: It’s just called “Star Wars Blue Milk” on the carton. Star Wars, as you’ll see again, is a tough one for food promotions. Obviously, it’s such a massive property that there’s a need to capitalize on it. The problem is, no one has ever eaten anything that looks even remotely appetizing in that universe. Holding out hope for Grogu’s Special Pickled Frog Eggs!
Shrek Ketchup
Another wholly unneeded food palate swap was spurred by the success of Shrek. Heinz got permission to make a condiment based on the fairy-tale property and went straight to the lab. Because popping an image of Shrek on their bottles of already green relish was too much of a no-brainer, they decided to go with horrific EZ-Squirt green ketchup instead. “Blastin’ Green,” which sounds more like a description of the bathroom trip post Shrek-sauce, was inexplicably a success, despite looking like you fished your fries directly out of a dirty pond.
Ecto-Cooler
Coca-Cola Company
Don’t worry, I won’t come for the beloved taste of Hi-C’s Ecto Cooler. A treasured beverage from the heyday of Ghostbusters, a time when people hadn’t realized that massive doses of vitamin C are only really enriching your piss stream. The gross part here, that admittedly wasn’t a concern for most kids, was that I guess you were… drinking ghosts? Slimer in particular? The citrus notes get lost when you think more deeply about what it would feel like to put any part of Slimer in your mouth.
Ectoplasm Energy Drink
One ghostbusting beverage that never found its way into any lunchboxes was their attempt at an energy drink. This one didn’t even get the linguistic benefit of a catchy name, being called just simply, “Ectoplasm.” It came in 8.4 fluid-ounce cans, and for the most part, stayed there. Maybe it was the fact that, unlike vitamin-riddled juice-alikes, most parents aren’t cool with giving their kids energy drinks.
TMNT Pudding Pies
Facebook/Bring Back Hostess Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Pies
On the subject of highly unpleasant looking green edibles, behold the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Pudding Pies. These things are strange from tip to tail. First of all, the idea of a little cornish-pasty style creampie doesn’t seem like something that you’d find anywhere outside of an apple orchard gift shop. Second, the outside was green. As in, GREEN. Not olive, not lime, but a cornea-assaulting, outlandish, web-safe sort of green that doesn’t suggest digestion. It’s hard to find a way to make a grosser food than a handpie with green slime filling, but they managed it.
Little Mermaid Fish Nuggets
Disney/American Pride Foods
Taste and health-wise, these are probably no worse than any other frozen fried fish food product. In terms of implications, they’re much, much worse. If you think those happy pigs that always end up on barbecue signs are creepy, try Ariel happily hucking bite-size hunks of her best friends. Or, even more disturbingly, her bottom half.
Gundam Sardines
This is more confusing than anything. Sardines, a food that’s for people who think anchovies are too subtle, are a patently wild food to toss intellectual property onto, much less an anime about Mechs. The basis for this is that a character is named Char Aznable, allowing for the portmanteau “chardines.” But the important question: Is that enough of a reason for these to exist? I would argue absolutely not.
Jar Jar Binks Tongue Lollipop
You’ve probably seen it before, and you’ll likely seen it again. That will not stop me from constantly reminding readers that this was somehow created and inflicted on a public that had done nothing to deserve it. This is barely behind “the great flood” on my personal list of disasters unleashed on the world population. At the very least, the tongue didn’t need to be textured.