A Proposal
Billy Squier has had to deal with the backlash over the Rock Me Tonite video for 38 years now, and it keeps getting brought up again and again. For example, you’re reading about it right now, aren’t you? But the fact remains that Rock Me Tonite is not the worst music video ever made. Not by a long shot. It may have been regarded as such at the time, but there have been so many worse videos since then. Are we just gonna forget Kid Rock even existed?
Everett Collection/Shutterstock
Perhaps it’s time we give Billy Squier a shot at redemption. Here’s what we propose: Let’s crowdfund a new video for Rock Me Tonite. Not a redux, remix, or remake. No, give the song the proper video it deserves after nearly four decades of mockery.
We take the video back to its original idea: Billy Squier getting ready for a concert intercut with scenes of his fans doing the same, and end it with everyone at the concert rocking their brains out. Not as they are today, but as they were when the song first came out in June 1984. It wouldn’t be hard to recreate the look and feel of that time period. Just hire the set designers and casting directors from Stranger Things. Problem solved!
But isn’t Billy Squier 72 years old? Yes, but we can still make it work. Hell, if the MCU can de-age Michael Douglas’ sub-Saharan relief map of a face back to its pre-Gordon Gekko glory, then surely we can give Billy Squier a decent mid-eighties digital facelift. Use a body double for the dance moves or go full-motion capture CGI if we have to. We may only need a handful of FX shots for a five-minute rock video. It’s not like we’re having Billy fight Thanos or anything.
C’mon, people! Let’s do this. Do it for Billy F—ing Squier!
Dan Fritschie is a writer, comedian, and frequent over-thinker. He can be found on Twitter, and he thanks you for your time.
Top image: Capitol Records