Charles Bukowski once called the urge to write the Itch from Hell, and I think he was on to something there. You should write because you have to write, not because you think it’s an avenue to get an easy job that pays well. It’s an absolute necessity to have that particular neurosis in your pocket, pushing you on. If your brain doesn’t feel like an Instant Pot that’s about to become a spaghetti-scented bomb unless you release the pressure by writing that next script, become an accountant or a professional groin-trauma tester: I promise, you’ll be much happier.
And that’s about it! I’ve given you nearly all of my advice. My my, look at you. My little chickadee, all grown up, ready to fly on your own. I hope I didn’t dissuade anyone from pursuing their dreams, but if I did, I probably saved them from quite a bit of heartache since if my dumb ass can make them quit they probably didn’t have the right temperament needed for Tinseltown (the “right temperament” here being “an ability to persist far beyond the limits of common sense or even self-preservation”). If I could sum up everything I’ve learned in one sentence, it’d be this: don’t let the bastards get you down – and remember that your own mind can be a real bastard, too.
If you’ve my litanies of woe and still want to try your hand, my power to you. I sincerely, sincerely hope you make it big. And someday, after you’ve accepted your Oscar and you go to the coatroom and see a hirsute, disheveled man who obviously snuck in to steal giftbags and stuff as many hors d’oeuvres as he can carry into his pockets, come over and say hi to your pal Ol’ Sweet William.
William Kuechenberg is a repped screenwriter, a Nicholl Top 50 Finalist, and an award-winning filmmaker. He’s currently looking to be a writer’s assistant, a showrunner’s assistant, or even to be staffed on a television show: tell your friends, and if you don’t have any friends, tell your enemies! You can also view his mind-diarrhea on Twitter.
Top image: Nikolay Litov/Shutterstock
Check out the rest of the series below:
First Rule Of Hollywood: Nobody In Charge Knows What They Want
The Brutal Truth Of Getting Hired By Hollywood To Write
The Unspoken Path To Hollywood Success: Betray, Crush, Destroy Your Peers
The Truth About Nepotism in Hollywood: It’s The Whole System