So you got that master’s degree in English literature and you’re ready to embark on your career as a children’s author?
Forget it, Shakespeare. No matter how entertaining your prose, publishers have no interest in anyone authoring children’s books other than comedians. Are the books any good? “Hey, they’re kids books — how bad can they be?” seems to be the prevailing industry wisdom.
Here are seven dumbass examples of comedians moonlighting as children’s authors in search of a quick buck…
Jay Leno
Whether it’s shilling for LifeLock or Cool Ranch Doritos, Leno never turns away an opportunity to make a buck. When he’s not turning old Tonight Show bits like Headlines into books, he’s telling tales of L’il Jay trying to figure out how to get a bite of roast beef. Amazon says: “The story sometimes seems to sputter — albeit in that ingratiating Jay way — from one gag to the next.”
Jerry Seinfeld
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It’s hard to gauge the enduring popularity of Jerry Seinfeld’s Halloween based on its eBay listings. You can get a first-edition copy for $1.99 — or if you’re that kind of buyer, you can spend $147.50. If you’ve ever heard Seinfeld’s stand-up bit on Halloween, you’ve basically read the book minus the goofy illustrations of L’il Jerry.
Jeff Foxworthy
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You might be a redneck parent if you bought your kid a copy of Foxworthy’s Dirt on My Shirt or any of his other 50-words-or-less children’s books. It’s classified as an I Can Read Level 2, making it the perfect holiday gift for Larry the Cable Guy.
Ricky Gervais
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There’s a whole series of Flanimals books, but I was too exhausted by their ugly-ass covers to dive down that particular rabbit hole. School Library Journal took a fun, very British swipe at More Flanimals: “The book strains at being clever, but some readers may like its brevity.”
Ray Romano
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Like Leno and Seinfeld, Romano is one of those L’il Comedian writers who places their junior selves front and center. Raymie, Dickie and the Bean: Why I Love and Hate My Brothers has a self-explanatory title — boys should always hate brothers who call them Raymie. “Because this is a book about three young boys,” says Amazon’s review, “farting is inevitable.”
Steve Martin
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As lazy writing endeavors go, a book that lays out the letters of the alphabet has to rank near the top.
Jimmy Kimmel
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It doesn’t feel right to poke fun at a book that donate’s the author’s profits to children’s hospitals, but here we are. Dual-threat Kimmel wrote the words and drew the pictures for The Serious Goose, and at least he’s savvy enough to know what mom and dad are looking for in a bedtime story. “Dear parents,” he writes, “This book takes five minutes to read so you can get on with your lives.”