Wife ‘Super Pissed’ at Husband For ‘Vetoing’ Her Dream House Over His #1 Deal Breaker

The 38-year-old shared his story on Reddit’s AITA (“Am I the A–hole”) forum to see if he was in the right to “veto” her ideal home, for reasons he felt were valid and laid out before they began their search.

OP (a.k.a “original poster”), however, said his wife didn’t see his side of things, leaving him wondering who was really in the wrong.

Read on to see what went down, and how Redditors reacted.

“My wife (34F) and I (38M) are shopping for our first house. We both put together lists of needs, wants, and deal-breakers for our desired home. We both had similar lists in terms of needs and wants,” OP began, painting the picture for Reddit users. “Multiple bedrooms and good schools for when we have kids, fenced in yard for our dog, no major renovations needed, etc. I only had one real deal-breaker. I told her I would refuse to even put an offer in on a house that has an HOA.”

He added that his parents “lived in an HOA when I was a teenager and I saw the amount of BS they had to go through all the time. There’s no way I want to spend a huge amount of money and have to deal with that kind of thing for who knows how many years. The house could check every single box in our need and want list and I would still refuse to even try and buy it.”

HOAs, or Homeowner’s Associations, are usually are in place in planned communities — and come with their own unique approval processes.

Finding a home that fit the bill for both parties has not been easy, said OP.

“We have been priced out of a lot of areas that we were hoping to live in. And the houses that are more within our budget are not exactly what we’re looking for. We’ve toured dozens of houses. Had offers rejected. Had sellers try to get us into bidding wars. We’ve argued, disagreed, and fought. It’s sucked,” OP revealed.

And then things started to head south even more …

“Last week our realtor sent us a home that was just hitting the market. She was excited because she thought it was ‘exactly what we are looking for.’ My wife fell in love with the pictures and wanted to set up a tour,” OP explained, before adding that it was under an HOA.

“I told my wife that I don’t even want to go look at it since I don’t want to put an offer in,” OP said. However his wife then went on to set up a tour “without” OP and “viewed the home without telling” him about it.

He reminded her that an HOA was his “#1 deal-breaker”. OP said he found it “pretty upsetting that she would go behind my back and do this on her own and then try and convince me to compromise my stance.”

However, OP’s wife wasn’t letting it go, attempting to “downplay how much of an impact an HOA would have” on their lives, referring to the HOA as “a little inconvenience.”

“But she’s never lived in an HOA. She hasn’t seen first-hand how nuts they can be and how stressful it can be for a homeowner. I reminded her that when we started looking, that we both agreed that this had to be a 2-yes decision. Meaning that if one of us vetoed a house for whatever reason, we wouldn’t pursue it. And she knows that an HOA is my #1 veto reason,” OP said before adding that his wife is “super pissed” at him for “vetoing her dream house.”

“She’s telling me we will never find a house that checks so many of her wants and needs and that I should just let go of the HOA thing and submit an offer. I told her she’s letting her frustration with the process cloud her judgement and she’s taking it out on me,” he concluded before asking if he is the “a-hole.”

Reddit gave OP the official ‘Not the A-Hole’ badge, over 2.6k comments were left under his post at the time of writing with the top comment having over 18,000 upvotes.

“You’re allowed to both have deal-breakers. So, regardless of what your deal breakers are, you are NTA here,” the commenter wrote. “That said… I know reddit is a hate filled rage goblin when it comes to HOAs. And there are ABSOLUTELY HORRIBLE ones out there. But, there are also perfectly harmless ones. And there are even really nice ones that do a good job WITHOUT being obnoxious,” the commenter said attempting to see OP’s wife’s point of view before adding how to tell if a HOA is good.

“Go take a walk in the neighborhood on a Saturday. Say hi to people you meet. Pet their dogs and talk to them about the neighborhood and the HOA. If it’s garbage, people are going to be itching to tell you their horror stories,” they concluded.

Another commenter said the issue could run deeper for his wife.

“I get the feeling that perhaps she’s just ready for this process to be over. She’s moved into ‘good enough’ territory, and in trying to convince you it’s her dream house, she’s also trying to convince herself,” the Reddit user suggested. “I would ask her why she even bothered making the agreement with you if she was just going to throw it out? And what if you found a place and she vetoed it, or vetoed something else in your marriage? Do you no longer have to respect when she says ‘no’?”

OP then replied to the commenter sharing that their realtor also found a house he loved that she didn’t.

“Checked all my needs and wants. But it was a further commute than my wife wanted. I WFH but she’s a dental hygienist so she has to drive to work every day. She didn’t want to spend that much time in a car every day, so we didn’t pursue it even though I really wanted to. I brought that up during the argument about this HOA house and she did not appreciate it,” OP concluded.

What do you think?