That only sounds profound because no one had written those five words in that order before. It’s been like 400 years since Descartes dropped that one, and a lot of people have said a lot of stuff. It’s way harder to say something novel these days, and we think modern comedians deserve a lot more credit for it.
Garrison Keillor on the Burden of Being Smart
“Intelligence is like four-wheel drive. It only allows you to get stuck in more remote places.”
George Burns Wasn’t a Pious Man
“A good sermon should have a good beginning and a good ending, and they should be as close together as possible.”
Gilbert Gottfried’s Revisionist History
“At the Last Supper, how come no one sat on the other side of the table? See, I think originally there were people sitting on the other side, but those were the people going, ‘You know, the air conditioning hits me right on the back on the neck.’”
Groucho Marx on Companionship
“Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”
Harry Hill’s Parents Had Their Quirks and Their Kinks
“My father used to like my mother to get dressed up as a nurse. Then he used to like her to go out to work… as a nurse. Brought in some extra money.”
Henry Youngman Solves the Health-Care Crisis — With Capitalism
“A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn’t pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.”
Jack Benny on His Friendship With George Burns
“We have a lot in common. The other night we went to see an X-rated movie, and we both fell asleep.”
Mike Birbiglia Says It Was Easier to Be Quoted in Centuries Past, Before a Lot of Stuff Had Been Said
“I stayed at a hotel last week in Washington, D.C. It was the Abraham Lincoln Suites, and they have these Abraham Lincoln quotes everywhere. And one of them was like, ‘Whatever you are, be a good one.’ I just don’t feel like he should get credit for generalities like that. Like, ‘How Are Ya?’ — Abraham Lincoln.”
Robin Williams Said Pick Your Battles
“Never pick a fight with an ugly person, they’ve got nothing to lose.”
Nick Swardson Says Don’t Compare Bummers With the Elderly
“She’ll be like, ‘How was your day today?’ And I’ll be like, ‘Oh, my day, Grandma? My day was horrible. I had the worst day. I wake up. I go to the video store. This guy almost hits me. This cab almost hits me. I get there, the movie I want is gone. They don’t even have it. And the Yankees lost. It’s going to rain. It was like the worst day. How was your day?’ ‘Well, I woke up, again. And my heart hurts when I breathe. And another one of my friends died.’ It’s like, what do I say to that?”
Margaret Cho on How to Deal With Children
“I taught Sunday School for two years. And I got fired. I abused my authority. I used to teach class like this: ‘Okay, if one more person talks, everybody is going to Hell.’”
Les Dawson’s Grindset
“I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.”
Joan Rivers on Adventures in the Boudoir
“I got a waterbed, but my husband stocked it with trout.”
Jackie Mason Took Care of His Family — By Accident
“My grandfather always said, ‘Don’t watch your money; watch your health.’ So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandfather.”
Lucy Porter Knows True Love
“Essentially, marriage is waking up and looking at each other’s faces morning after morning as you gradually age. Like the melting Nazis at the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark played out in agonizing slow motion.”