Likewise, you might think it’s best to choose someone who’s basically you in a different body to work that genetic similarity angle, but genes don’t always produce the sort of qualities recognizable by someone who can’t smell you. In fact, friends who have significant differences in personality, background and other social markers tend to be closer than friends who are carbon copies. Buffy and Willow worked together so well for a reason.
Okay, so you’ve made a friend, and now you want to make them your friend. Time to put in some time — a lot of time. A 2018 study from the University of Kansas showed that it takes 40 to 60 hours to form a casual friendship, 80 to 100 hours for an “invited to the wedding” kind of friendship and at least 200 hours to convince them to get matching tattoos. This is face time, too, not just FaceTime. Physical proximity is an absolutely crucial ingredient, so texting doesn’t count. Another is “intensity,” created and displayed by actions like “mutual gaze, touching, whispering, frequent head nodding, mirroring body posture, frequent smiles, expressive gestures, inward leaning and intimate self-disclosures during conversations.” Just keep those middle-school confessions close to the chest until around the 100-hour mark.
If this all sounds like a lot of work, well, no one said making friends as an adult weirdo was going to be easy. But take heart: You don’t need a lot of them. Humans only have the capacity to maintain five close friendships, so you only have to repeat this process as many times as it takes to not scare off a little less than half a dozen people with your sniffing, stalking and YouTube history.
Best of luck out there, you freak.